You know what I think about every day? Everything I’m NOT doing.
It’s exhausting. And annoying. I try to think, ‘You know what, Lindsay, this could be the last day of your life. You could die. You should really enjoy every minute you have.’
But that thinking just gives me more anxiety, because now not only am I not doing ‘enough’, I’m also not appreciating my entire life. AND I’m thinking about dying, which always ends up in a morbid rabbit hole of fear and sadness.
What is especially bringing this up right now? I think it started when field hockey season ended. I said, all season, that as soon as field hockey ends, I’ll be able to concentrate more on my writing. And also, focus on saving money to pay off all my debt (which is a lot).
Field hockey season ends, and I’m like, fuck, I don’t know what to write about.
Besides the writing (or lack thereof), now that I’m not coaching, I have all the time in the world to work at the restaurant and make money. Which brings up another thing: all my co-workers – who are great – keep asking me, ‘So, what are you up to now that field hockey season is over?’ And I’m like, fuck, what AM I up to now? I don’t know! Nothing! I suck at life!
Unfortunately, I am realizing more and more that I really hate working nights. As a server who works from about 4pm-midnight, there’s this feeling of dread that I have the entire day leading up to that 4pm start time. It’s not just dread, it’s like I have to save my energy for work, like I can’t really focus on anything else except that I have to work later. It’s a weight, is what it is. Or maybe it’s just an excuse, I don’t know.
Would I be happier if I worked during the day? Would I be more productive with my writing? Would I live a healthier lifestyle? Would I be less stressed out? I don’t know, but I’m leaning towards a solid yes.
I can’t wait for the day when I’m making money from doing things that actually bring me joy (like coaching field hockey, for instance). It doesn’t have to always be fun. I just mean that it should be fulfilling, challenging, inspiring, and push me to my creative limits. That certainly is the goal.
For now, I have to find a way to work at a job and make money, while also finding the motivation to keep writing. Just keep swimming.
It doesn’t help that Christmas is coming up. Christmas is the most amazing time of the year and I ALWAYS overdo it. I love buying presents and making a million cookies for people. When I tell Steve my “ballpark” for how much I’ll probably spend for Christmas-y ‘things’, his eyes bug out. Then he laughs, because thankfully, he always thinks I’m adorable.
When I get frustrated with my job, Steve always so genuinely tries to help come up with a solution. My favorite is when he says, with a most serious face, “We need to figure out a way for you to monetize lip sync.”
I mean, really. He’s just the absolute best.