Apparently, I yell a lot. I used to think people were fucking with me, but recently, I’m starting to realize that people are constantly telling me that I’m yelling.
For instance, most days when I get to work, I get hyped up for some reason or another, and Leo tells me to stop yelling. He actually looks around, embarrassed, clearly hoping no one is paying attention to my “antics” and tells me to stop yelling. Or he asks me, “Why do you always have to yell?” If it’s not Leo, it’s Rocco or Jordan saying, “Stets, relax.” Or, “Settle down, Stets.”
I am relaxed, guys! Fuck off.
That’s another thing. Cursing. I curse a lot. But Jesus, if you saw me at home, with my family? Fuck, I curse WAY more when I’m around them. You ain’t seen nothin’.
Nina tells me on a regular basis that I yell at her all the time. No I don’t, Nina. Shut up.
And then there’s Brian. A new person in my life. It’s almost become a running joke. He tells me probably at least once every time we hang out, “Stop yelling at me.” And every time he says it, I laugh, because it always catches me off guard, and I say, “I’m not yelling at you.” But then I realize, it does SOUND like I’m yelling. In my mind, I’m not. I’m not mad and I’m not yelling. I’m just speaking passionately about something. For no real apparent reason.
So the other day, Christine calls me. I’m not even going to say what she was talking about. Or should I say, yelling about. But she was totally yelling in my ear. It was all in good fun. I know her, and I know she wasn’t mad. In fact, she was laughing. But seriously, she was totally yelling at me. Like, super aggressive. I say to her, You need to tone it down if Brian comes home with me. You’re going to terrify him. “Why?!” Because you’re yelling at me right now! “So?! He needs to know! He needs to know who you are!” That’s not who I am! “Yes it is!!!!”
Jeeeeesus. No, it’s not.
But I guess it’s what I’m used to. Whether it’s a Stetson thing or a Jersey thing I don’t know, but it’s definitely a thing. I’m a yeller. I also don’t know if it’s because I live in California or if it’s just because I’m getting older and becoming more of an adult, but these are the kinds of things I realize about myself and not try to “fix” but try to understand. Like where the fuck does all this yelling come from? All this aggression? Because there’s a lot of it. If anyone heard my sister on the phone they would have thought, Jesus, is she pissed? Even though she was not. Not even a little bit. But this is how we communicate.
When I’m home, with my family, at least one of my siblings will say to me, every day, “I hate you.” And the thing is, it’s funny when someone says it. In fact, it’s almost a compliment. Because it means you just said something so funny or so annoying, that they “hate you” for it. Does that make sense? It does to me. So when I say to Nina, I fucking hate you so much, she should realize that that’s an endearing thing for me to say. Obviously. Duh.
But OK, I get it, not everyone likes to be yelled at. Not everyone gets my fun-loving, adorable personality. Whatever. I’m not going to say that I’m going to stop yelling at everyone. I’ll just say that I’m more aware of it now, and I’ll try to be more conscious of it. I apologize in advance.