I’m sitting here staring at my computer screen. A blank white page. A writer’s worst nightmare.
I wish it was because I had nothing to write. That’s not the case. I have plenty that I’d like to share, but I can’t. I mean, I can, but when I write too honestly or too personally, it always gets me in trouble. I always hurt somebody’s feelings or piss someone off. Always. Or maybe it’s just because I don’t want to admit to the world (ie my small following) my faults and weaknesses and vices and embarrassing moments and very bad things that I do. There’s a lot.
I have now written over 300 blog posts. From the beginning until now, it’s gotten more and more personal, and that’s because when I do tell the truth, people tell me I’m a good writer. No shit, I’m serious. The more honest I am, the more validity I get. So it’s become like a drug. I’m addicted to telling the “truth.” I put it in quotes because it’s just my truth. I guess it’s more that I’m addicted to being honest and saying what I feel. At all times. As I feel them. In my regular day-to-day, too. It’s one of my best and worst qualities.
I try to edit myself. Sometimes. Most of the time I’m slapping myself in the forehead like, “why did you say that?” And then a moment later I’m like, “umm, because it’s the truth!” A lot of times when I’m telling a person a story, about something that happened in my life, the other person stops me periodically and says, “Wait, did you really say that out loud?” And sometimes I say, no, I was just thinking that, OF COURSE I would never say that, but other times I say, well yea, I said it. And the thing is, you never know with me. I never know with me, what I’m going to say and what I’m not going to say. I’m a fucking loose cannon.
Anyway, I guess the only way to write well and not get in trouble is to talk about myself, and not my opinions or thoughts of others. So what’s that, a diary entry? God, I’m not ready for that leap. This is not a memoir. I also don’t want to say anything too incriminating because who knows who will read this? Someday? Once this goes online it’s out there to the world. Forever.
I don’t even know what the point of this stupid post is. I want to erase the whole thing and start over. Have I already written about this before? Am I just repeating myself now? Jesus, I’m losing my mind. I have definitely written this exact post before. I’m going to go ahead and blame my 100 days of lip sync. 16 days to go, thank God. Once that’s over, I am going to have soooo much extra time. I mean, there’s no such thing as extra time but it will definitely feel like it.
Ok, here’s my valuable thoughts for the day, so you don’t feel like you wasted your time reading this. I used to love countdowns. Countdowns to fun things: vacation, summer, Christmas, events. I was always thinking about the next thing. Everything in the future was always so much more exciting than the present.
I don’t really feel that way anymore. Every day, I’m like, what can I do today? What can I accomplish? How can I make today a good day? I may not always do what I set out to do, but I definitely try to focus more on the now, because if I don’t take it one day at a time, it gets overwhelming.
So for now, I don’t care about tomorrow. It’s after midnight and I’m laying in bed next to my sleeping boyfriend at his apartment. It’s hot. (He should really move to the west side.) I went out to the other room because I didn’t want to wake him up but I’d rather be close to him so I came back in. He’s cute. I’m happy.