So, I have a meeting with a matchmaker.
Yes, the above is true.
Alyssa (AR’s best friend) randomly meets this lady outside a coffee shop. The lady, Cristina, thinks immediately that Alyssa is beautiful (she is) and I guess, in some way, asks if she’s single. Alyssa is not single. She’s married. But Alyssa is so into the whole matchmaking thing, and gets into it with this lady, very interested about it all. She immediately thinks, oh my God, I need to set up Stets with this lady.
So she texts me. That she met a matchmaker and wants me to meet her. I laugh when I read the text. Uh, no thanks. But then I think… well… why not? It’s not like I have to pay for anything. The service is for men. And if it’s a terrible, awkward experience, I can at least write about it. And who knows? Maybe this lady could actually set me up with a good guy. So five days later, I text Alyssa and say, OK, set me up with this matchmaker.
Alyssa is beyond excited. She sends a picture of the lady’s card. First I go to the website to check it out.
This thing is legit. Like Millionaire Matchmaker shit. As if I even know what that means. But matchmaking is like a real thing people do. I email Cristina. Tell her the bare minimum – actor, writer, work in a bar, from Jersey, been in California for 3 1/2 years and love it. I send her a picture, too, because Alyssa tells me to.
Cristina gets back to me, asks me to fill out an intake form on their website (it’s confidential and comes directly to her) and we will go from there.
Sure thing, Cristina.
I go to the website and click on the form. Jesus. They get right into it. I roll up my sleeves and pour a glass of wine. Here we go.
First questions are basic yes or no, then it’s like essay style. “How would you describe yourself and what you bring to a relationship? What are you passionate about? Are you currently happy with the way you look? Have you ever used an online dating service/matchmaker? If yes, how is it working out for you? What do you think you can improve upon in your dating life? Qualities you look for in your match? Minimum/maximum age of your match?
These are very good questions that I should have the answers to, but I really have to think about some of them. I wish I could account for what my actual answers were, but once I submitted the form, I couldn’t access it. I know that I said “Haha” at the “What do you think you can improve upon in your dating life?” because really, what the fuck is dating? It doesn’t exist. At least it hasn’t for me.
Cristina gets back to me and sets up a time and place to meet: Casa Del Mar Hotel in Santa Monica. Fancy shit. Never been there. Don’t even know where I’m supposed to go. But sure, see you there!
I arrive early, as I do, and sit at the bar (as I do). I order a glass of water, even though a glass of wine might be nice since I’m nervous and sweating and feel like I’m meeting a blind date or something. Not knowing what else to do as I wait, I text Kelly.
Me: I’m like sitting up straighter than usual. And sweating. Definitely should have worn a nicer shirt. God dammit.
Kelly: It’s OK it’s your first time being a prostitute, she’ll understand.
Me: I feel like she’s here and observing from afar, taking notes.
Kelly: Omg totally! Be cool! Did you order a drink?
Me: No way! I don’t want her to think/know I’m an alcoholic right from the start.
Kelly: Good move.
Me: She’s gonna be like ummm laughing at your phone alone at the bar… not a good move.
I keep checking my email, and one pops up from Cristina right at 3pm, when we’re supposed to meet. “I’m here on couch by fireplace. Black jacket/tan jeans.”
Oh shit, it’s on. I loudly slide my bar stool out from under me and walk over to the couches. We shake hands, say hello, and I sit down on the couch adjacent to her.
Cristina is really nice. I mean I already knew she had to be cool if Alyssa liked her, because Alyssa is cool as shit. But I feel very comfortable talking to her. It’s almost an hour that we talk. About a lot of different things.
For some reason, she doesn’t have my intake form with her. Didn’t have time to run back and get it or something, but anyway, it’s like a doctor talking to you about an illness and knowing that there’s something wrong with you, but not knowing exactly what. Because she doesn’t have it right in front of her.
She does this every day with so many people, so I can understand that it’s hard to remember who “this girl” is. But the more I say, the more she remembers. “Oh yea, you’re snarky.” I don’t think this is a compliment, or an insult. I’ll translate her “snarky” to “feisty.” She asks me a lot of things. I’ll try and highlight the stuff I remember.
“Can you cook?” Uhh…. sort of? (I guess that means no. I mean whatever, I can cook. I just don’t cook… because I live in a garage).
“What’s a deal breaker for you?” Fuck, I don’t know. Someone who smokes? “Yea, that’s not really a thing anymore.” Well OK then. And honestly, I’ve never liked a guy who smoked, so if I did like a guy who smoked, I might be fine with it, I have no idea.
“What are the top three qualities you look for in a guy?” Jesus, why did I not think about these things before I got here? Well, I guess the No.1 thing I’ve been attracted to in guys is the way they carry themselves. Guys who are confident. (Not cocky, but confident). I want a guy who is excited about what he does and passionate and motivated – basically what I want for myself – and supportive of what I’m trying to do.
I hate that I don’t know what to say. “Funny” but I’m not going to say funny because duh, every girl says that (or do they not? shit). I mean, that’s not something I look for. Maybe a sense of humor. I don’t know. Listen lady, I don’t know what I’m looking for, because I haven’t found it yet. How about that? (I say none of this.)
“If your friends described your best qualities, what would they be?”
Jesus Christ. Why is this so hard?
Honest, blunt, truthful. I’m very honest, I can’t hide my feelings. I wear everything on my face. Umm my friends (Dane) tell me I’m transparent? I’m very open about everything. I don’t know. I’m sarcastic. In a good way, not like a bitchy way.
Like, c’mon Lindsay, pull it together. I talk to Lyndsey later on the phone. “Did you say funny?” No! I thought about it but I didn’t want to be like, oh I’m funny, because I’m not like funny funny. I also thought about saying weird, but like, everyone’s weird. To a certain degree.
Trust me, we get into it. I tell her about my “ex” (in quotes because it’s weird saying ex… aka Mike) and what we were like and how it ended, I tell her about stupid Brett and stupid Bryan Jordan and she gives me some advice, prefacing it by saying, “You basically did this, but here it is… Don’t listen to what a guy says. Watch what he does.”
That’s some fuckin’ truth right there, Cristina. I didn’t think about it like that, but yea, right on. Fuckin’ asshole guys don’t want to “hurt a girl’s feelings” so they avoid or ignore or what the fuck ever. But you fucking assholes. That’s WAY worse than the truth. Just tell the fucking truth. Of course it will hurt when you say it, but I’ll get over it WAYYYYYY faster if you’re just honest. Don’t be a fuckin’ pussy, and act like you’re doing me a favor. You’re not. Fuck you.
Anyway. Back to the matchmaker. She ends by saying, “Well, this is how it works. I might call you in two weeks, I might call you in six months, I might call you in two years.”
At this point I’m smiling, very cheesily, because this whole thing is actually very exciting and I don’t know how to feel about all of it.
“You need to smile more. You have a Katie Holmes thing going. I’m sure you’ve heard that before.”
OK. Check. Smile more. Got it.
We say goodbye. I insist we hug, now that I’ve spilled my guts on most of my romantic life.
The last thing she asks is, “What do you like to do for fun?”
Why is this so hard for me to answer??? I say, well, physically, I like to play field hockey, but I haven’t played in a while. Recently I’ve been doing hot yoga, which is awesome. Umm, I don’t know, write, act, watch movies?
Did I seriously just say I like to watch movies for fun? Kill me.
“Well I might reach out to you if I feel like I need to know something. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I have a sense of what you like to do.”
Oh… well… I AM doing 100 days of lip sync right now.
“What does that mean?”
OK so like Jimmy Fallon style, you know, I perform about two minutes of a song, take a video, and post it on youtube and Facebook, and I’m doing it for 100 days in a row. I’m on Day 32.
Cristina smiles, definitely intrigued. “And can I ask, what are you doing this for?”
Well, bottom line, I love it and it makes me happy. “That is perfect. I’m going to watch it later. This is great. I’m going to post it on the website with the caption, ‘Who wants to date this girl?””
Oh, Jesus Christ. She is definitely never going to call me.