She’s Out of Control

Occasionally, since it’s hard for us to get together, I gchat with Tara. (I feel like I’ve been mentioning gchat to people and no one knows what the fuck I’m talking about, so for those of you living in a hole with Kimmy Schmidt, if you have your gmail account open, you can basically chat with other people who are also on gmail, a la instant messenger. If you don’t have gmail, … I don’t know what to say.)

Basically, I tell Tara everything I don’t write in my blog. And when I say everything I mean, everything. She knows it all. All the juicy, inappropriate, embarrassing stories of my non-dating life. She gets a real kick out of it, and has a way of always keeping me grounded in reality when I get caught up in nonsense.

I’ve decided that Tara is the perfect representation of a “real” Jersey girl. Not the sterotypical loud, “Italian”, fake tan/everything, Ugg-wearing, designer bag-holding, bitchy, no-nonsense Jersey girl that we have become to be known for (for no good reason at all). Tara is so Jersey. The only thing she carries over from the stereotype is the no-nonsense part. She tells you like it is, she’s blunt, honest, loyal, and I don’t know, there’s just a way that she says things, and comes across. I have a lot of really amazing friends out here, from all over, but Tara is the only one who makes me feel like, listen, whatever kind of friendship this is between us, it’s the real shit, because I don’t have time to pretend. And I love that.

Here’s a little snipit of a gchat conversation we had a ways back, like last year…

Me: Being single is expensive. I’m serious, I’m not used to being so social and actually going out. And it freakin’ costs money… I judge everyone and am really picky. Like this guy I met the other night, whatever, he’s OK looking, like nothing I’d typically go for, but he texts me later that night because I gave him AND his friend my business card, it wasn’t weird or anything lol, and I decide to not text him back till the next day because I’m drunk and I don’t wanna drunk text. So long story short, I text him back, and in two of the texts he sent me, there’s a smiley face at the end. AND in the first text when he said ‘hope you make it home safe’ or whatever, he put xo at the end. And I’m like, nope. Done.

Tara: If Rich texted me xo I wouldn’t text back. I mean, let that dude buy you a drink, that’s harmless. But don’t make out with him. Ew. Smiley faces are weird. From dudes.

Me: Like my instinct when people ask me if I’d like a drink is to say no.

Tara: Well you’ve gotta change your game. Starting now.

Me: I don’t have any game, Tara.

Tara: Always say yes unless he looks like a rapist. You need to be getting drunk for free regularly, it’s your time, Linds.

(To be fair, Rich and Tara are married with two kids and Rich DOES in fact text her xx’s and xo’s. Tara only meant in the beginning, when they first met. Obviously.)

So anyway, Tara has recently said, in one of our many gchat conversations, that she has an idea. A pretty incredible idea. This quickly turns into, let’s write something together. After some thought, she tells me, this is not a movie. It’s a TV show.

Now I have never written anything for television (except in Creative Writing in 8th grade when we wrote and performed a script, meshing Dawson’s Creek and 90210 together), but this is super exciting. We should totally do this.

We finally meet on a Wednesday night, at her place. I arrive around 7pm. Sam is banging on the glass as I approach the door, then immediately becomes Mr. Shy Guy, hiding behind Tara’s leg when I actually come in. Finn is in Tara’s arms, cool as can be. Totally chilling. Rich walks inside from the deck, and yells, running after Sam, whom he tackles to the ground in a fit of laughter. I don’t know who is more a maniac – Rich or Sam (it’s definitely Sam, I’m just so impressed with how Rich keeps up with him).

I sit and hold Finn; this fat, happy baby. He is just the freakin’ cutest. I can’t help but think, ‘Oh my God, my Mom would love to be holding you right now.’ He is so focused and aware and looking at me, and smiling and laughing, and completely oblivious to Sam screaming and running around the house. I love this household.

Then it’s time for Sam to brush his teeth. I can’t even tell you what this is like. But I’ll try…

I go into the bathroom with Sam and Rich. This is their ritual. Rich puts Sam up on the counter, next to the sink. They both proceed to roar at themselves in the mirror. Then, Rich turns on the sink, and Sam crouches down, putting his mouth under the faucet to drink some water. Then Rich mimics him, doing the same. Then they roar into the mirror again. This goes on for quite a bit (I can’t believe how much water Sam is drinking).

Finally, it’s time to actually brush Sam’s teeth. He is very willing, as Rich gets in there, spouting cues here and there… “Open…. Wait… OK…. Open….” Watching this gives me a little anxiety, thinking that this toothbrush is going to go straight down Sam’s throat and choke him. And also, that there is never a cue to “spit” but I guess at this age, the toothpaste is the kind he can ingest. (Because what the fuck do I know about kids brushing their teeth?)

After he’s done, it’s not over. Not even close. More roaring at themselves in the mirror. A LOT more crouching and drinking water from the faucet. Sam leans down and drinks some water. Then he stands, puts his hands on Rich’s shoulder, pushes him down to the faucet. (You’re turn.) I watch them go back and forth, Sam then Rich, drinking water from the faucet. Any time Rich makes Sam laugh – which is quite often – Sam yells, “Papa!”

Oh my God, did he just call Rich Papa? Yes he did. That is the cutest thing in the world. He calls them Papa and Mama. God I love this kid. He is so fucking cool.

Finally, Sam and Finn are put to bed, and Tara and I can start “working.” It’s really just a brainstorming session, trying to get some thoughts together, but I can’t believe how easy it is. We plot out our first three episodes, figuring out our outline and characters. This is so much fun.

We have a few moments where we really laugh out loud, talking about things we want to include and even lines of dialogue. I would share an example, but I know better (Tara would not approve).

So here’s to the beginning of something great. We are totally going to write this thing. I’m excited. We’re excited.

Here’s Week 3 of 100 days of Lip Sync… Disney!…

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