A Night at the Roxbury

I go out with Jimmy, to the Wilshire. Neither of us have ever been here. Nina is working tonight and told us to come. For some reason, I pictured it being a low key, dive-y bar. Not even close. We get there and there’s a fucking line around the building. No. We do not do lines. I text Nina. But it’s 10pm and she’s bartending. I’m sure she’s busy and not looking at her phone.

She is. And doesn’t answer.

Jimmy and I sit for a little. Man, we should have had a drink before we came out. “Well, actually,…” He gets up and walks a few feet in the opposite direction. There’s a building right next to us. “This is a bar.” We peer in. Empty seats at the bar. Done and done. We watch the bartender concoct crazy cocktails. How much would you hate to work here? “I would never work here.” Right?!

We continue watching the bartender. He hasn’t even greeted us yet. “This is taking forever.” People probably complain about waiting for drinks. “No they don’t, because they’re not alcoholics like us.” Oh yea, you’re right.

“These people appreciate the time he’s taking to craft this thing they are paying $13 for. Do you know how long it takes me to make one of our specialty cocktails? 26 seconds. And they’re paying $12 for that shit.” The bartender finally walks over.  “Do you have Jameson?” “Yes.” Alrightttt we’re in business. “Two shots and two La Bruxa.” Gives us the shots first. Cheers and drink. Holy shit. We look at each other. “That was a big shot.” Oh my God, I know, those glasses are so deceiving. I almost didn’t finish it! Jimmy inspects the empty glass in his hand. “I know, I didn’t know what was happening.” (Have I mentioned that I love hanging out with Jimmy? He’s hilarious.) The bartender finally hands us two spicy tequila cocktails that look insanely amazing. They taste amazing, as well. So worth it.

Nina gets back to me with a text to go to the VIP line and tell them our names and we’ll be good to get in. But then the girls show up, who I totally invited, but didn’t know if they’d actually come. So it’s my girls; Bennette, Courtney, Hayley, Kaitlyn. Then Leo and Pat file in. Our party has certainly grown. I text Nina the update and she says to still do as planned. So we finish our drinks and walk over. This chick in charge of this mess, Nicole, greets us. Sort of. We tell her our names. She looks at how many of us there are. “Wow. You guys suck.”

I can’t really disagree with her. She puts us in a VIP line, whatever that means, and we wait. And this is not a group of people who wait in line to get in a bar. Because we don’t care enough to get into a place like that. Because it’s fucking stupid. So everyone is getting antsy, and complaining and maybe we should just go. Somehow, Jimmy disappears. Leaves. Then Leo and Pat decide to leave and go to another bar. So now the girls want to leave. We are so done waiting in a line. And I’m like, yea, this IS dumb. Let’s go.

But did I mention I’ve also been texting with this guy who is also at the Wilshire right now? He’s the same guy who was “irrelevant” the night of the Superbowl debacle. Do I want to see him? Yea, maybe. Sure. I mean, I don’t really care. It’s not like I actually like him.  We start walking to Bennette’s car, and I’m having second thoughts. But I don’t want them to think that I don’t want to hang out with them and even worse, I don’t want to admit to myself that I really want to stay just to see him. Let’s call him Bryan. (Actually, he requested a last name as well for his alter ego, so I guess I can give him that. Bryan Jordan, it is.)

So I reluctantly get in the car. And we’re driving. But I’m like, eh, guys I don’t know. Bennette gets right to it. “Stets, what’s going on right now.” Well, there’s this guy…. She pulls over and they all start yelling at me to get out of the car and go. They’re all screaming at me, the way 21-year-olds do (and I mean that in the most endearing and adorable way possible), and force me out of the car. I laugh. OK, OK! And I walk the half a block back to the bar.

Go to the “VIP” line and make eye contact with the girl. It’s just me. Everyone else left. “Just you?” Yup. “OK.” And she puts me in line AGAIN. It makes me cringe. But just when I’m about to text Nina again, she lets me in. I mill in with the masses and find the bar Nina is working at. I’m told it’s the front bar. As soon as I see her, I dramatically lay my head down on the bar. Oh my Goddddd. “You’re here!” This place is the worst. She just laughs at me. Introduces me to the other bartender, Justin, and the three of us immediately do shots of Jamo. Obviously. That’s what we do, folks. I talk with Nina for a bit and then make my way to find Bryan.

I spot his friend, let’s call him Ken, and push my way through the crowd to reach him. Ken grabs my hand and pulls me back the way I came, in search of Bryan. We finally find him, and all is well. I hang out with him and his friends and I don’t know, maybe I do like him. Not really, but it’s a fun night.

We might possibly have a sleepover. I forget.

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