Love Actually

I’m in Christmas mode, if that hasn’t been clear. Also, I have no money, if that hasn’t been clear, as well.

But remember when I wrote about how it’s weird what people spend their money on? Yea, I’m such a sucker at Christmas. I can’t help it! I’m serious. Like, it’s a real problem.

One night, I carry from my car bags and bags from HomeGoods. Giuditta is outside smoking a cigarette and just looks at me. I feel the need to tell her. I have a Christmas problem. Then I start laughing, I bought all these Christmas boxes, because they were just so cute, and I have NOTHING to put in them! But I just loved them! She laughs at me. Like I’m a lunatic. “What are you going to put in them?” I have no idea. I guess cookies. Because that’s all I got. She’s probably thinking, maybe you should be giving that money to me since you still haven’t paid your security deposit in full. Ugh. I’m the worst. #creditcarddebtforlife

But it’s Christmas.

I go to mail a small package to Kelly. It’s nothing, really, just a small little box. I walk into UPS and a young guy helps me. He stares at the computer screen as he talks to me. “Can I have your first number?” Umm. “Oh, sorry. I’m sorry. It’s been a long day.” (It’s noon.) “Can I have your phone number?” Sure. I give it to him. “OK and you’re still at 40076?” It’s 4076. “Oh, I’m sorry. They had an extra zero in here.” No worries. “So 4076?” Yes. 4076. “OK. And…” He looks at the box. I already addressed it to Kelly. “So do you actually want it to say Kelly the wizard O’Donnell?”

Umm. Lol. Woops.

But. Yes?? “OK. You got it.” I’d like to say I’m embarrassed, but I really just can’t wait to tell Kelly about this exchange.

He prints the sticker to have me sign in three places to make sure it’s good to go. It’s not. There’s two n’s in O’Donnell. “Oh, I’m so sorry, let me reprint another.” It’s OK. He stares at the computer for a while. I pretend to look at the car chargers sitting in front of the register. They’re bright. Actually, I should get one. No.

“That’s weird. Once I added another ‘n’, it went from $10.76 to $13.81.” Hmm. Yes, that is weird. That makes no fucking sense at all. I stand there and hope that he is just saying this out loud to pass the time because it’s awkward that it’s taking him this long to figure it out and he can’t possibly expect me to pay an extra two dollars because he spelled my friend’s name wrong.

I’m starting to feel like Alan Rickman in Love Actually when Mr. Bean will not just give him the fucking necklace. Like, the gift wrapping is completely ridiculous, to the point you think this must be candid camera. That’s the point I’m getting to.

But this kid is having a bad day. I can see that. And I am the best customer you could ever ask for. “So, the computer must have not reloaded when I did it the first time, so it’s actually $13.81.” There’s a small part in me that wants to be like, dude, this has already taken forever, for your mistakes and not mine, you should just pay the two extra fucking dollars yourself and make me a happy customer.

But I am not that person. And it’s Christmas. And it’s two fucking dollars. I do not give a fuck. Sure, charge me. Go. Just do it, so I can go about my day.

I’m actually very pleasant through the whole exchange, laughing about everything and rolling with it, hoping that he isn’t getting too stressed out, because I don’t think anyone should get stressed out about this kind of shit, especially when it’s out of your control. I think I try to be like what I hope people would be like for me in this type of situation, and so many times, people are such assholes. Like total assholes. So that’s where I’m coming from.

I go to Home Depot for ant traps because I’m having an ant problem. Walk out with ant traps and Christmas lights.

I go to CVS for bleach. Walk out with bleach and a stuffed Rudolph.

I can’t go anywhere. Just stop me. I have problems. Christmas problems.

***The following takes are a weak attempt at holding on to a past tradition of singing “The Reindeer Rap” with my siblings in front of my entire family every Christmas night, even at a ridiculous old age. I completely butcher it, sing it out of order, and definitely miss a verse.

I chose to include the first two mess-ups to show 1. why I prefer lip sync and 2. my ridiculousness.***



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