The Nightmare Before Christmas


Dad (Chuckles)

It’s Halloween. Which pretty much means absolutely nothing to me. It just so happens that today is that day. I drive to North Hollywood for my show a little early, as I always do, to hang out at the coffee shop, Republic of Pie, with my cast mate (my girl) Maggie. I always like to get there early for a couple reasons. One, traffic. You just never know how long it’s going to take you to get somewhere, and I have too much anxiety to worry about being late. I’d rather just get there super early and hang out, Two, I get work done in coffee shops. I will sit and write and do things that I would not have the motivation to do in my apartment. Or, Maggie and I can just talk about boys. Because that’s what we do.

I stop at the CVS down the street to get make-up remover and eye liner. As soon as I pay for my stuff in the self-check out line that tells me eight times to place my items in the bagging area after I have already done that, I realize it. Fuck me. Where are my keys.


They’re in the fucking ignition. I know it. I walk to my car. And yes. There they are. The car is not running, but yea, definitely locked. My driver window is rolled down a tiny crack. Seriously, kill me.

I don’t know what to do. How bad is it, that the first person I always think to call, is my Mom. Like, she can’t do anything for me from New Jersey. But I need her to comfort me. I call, and she doesn’t answer. It’s about 8pm on the east coast, so maybe she’s in bed already. Who knows.

Who next? Yup. Kelly. My best friend. Who also lives in New Jersey. She answers with a jovial, “Happy Halloween!” I locked my keys in my car. “Lindsay.” I knowwwwwww. “Where are you?” Sitting in a CVS parking lot in fucking North Hollywood. “I did that once. And I called the cops and they came and unlocked it for me.” Seriously?? You didn’t have to pay anything? “No. But. I told them I’m a social worker and I was outside of my client’s house in Camden.” OK Kel, I don’t think that’s going to work for me then. She tries to help me with solutions and I realize that I need to take action instead of trying to find comfort from my best friend.

So I call Anna Rose. She also answers with, “Happy Halloween!” I hate my life. I tell her the deal. Like, I know it’s a crazy thing to ask. It’s 5pm on a Friday night – rush hour – and it’s Halloween. Can you go to my apartment, get my spare key, and drive to North Hollywood? I would not expect anyone to do that. But AR is the only one I can ask. (I text Mazza, too. I know Natalie is at work.) AR feels super bad but she has friends visiting and they’re driving to Orange County and again, I know, it’s a ridiculous thing to ask. So then AR researches all these different places I can call near me (which she doesn’t have to do) and texts me the numbers of three different places. Telling me they’re like 20 bucks and that I should haggle and negotiate and all that stuff that I’m terrible at.

I call the number and get through. The guy says a technician will call me shortly. He does, and I ask how much it will cost. Of course, he says he won’t know until he gets here.


I’m freezing, because for some reason, it’s been dark and dreary all day (which is kind of refreshing, honestly) and I left my jacket in my car – which I’m locked out of – so I go back into the CVS and sit just inside the sliding doors like a pathetic human being.

Then my Dad is calling me. “Hi Lynn.” Hi Dad. “How are you?” I locked my keys in the car. “Oh no.” And I’m sitting inside the CVS… and now I start laughing. Like I want to laugh and cry but talking to my Dad makes me go straight to funny. And I start laughing. I’m sitting in the CVS in North Hollywood and I’m so loud right now and it’s just ridiculous. My Dad laughs when he hears me laugh. “It’s like a movie!” Yup, my life is a movie. And I have my show. My Dad gasps. “Oh God. Is someone coming?” Yea, someone is on their way now. “And it’s going to cost 100 bucks to just unlock your car.” I groan. Oh my Godddd I hate my life. But I keep laughing.

“Mom’s not doing OK.” Wait, what?? “She’s just started getting sick. Flu-like symptoms. That’s why she had me call you.” Oh, OK. Jesus, Dad. Lead with that. Now my phone is ringing. I quickly hang up with my Dad to take the call. Technician guy is on his way.

I go out to my car to wait. Maggie is now meeting me here. She brings me a latte and a hug. I want to cry. I am so broke. And then I have to make these stupid fucking mistakes. Like seriously, get your shit together, Lindsay.

The guy shows up. $159. No. I’m really going to cry. I can’t do this. No. “If you have cash I can help you out.” I don’t. Maggie is quick to say she can take money out. “If you pay cash it will only be 150.” So if I pay cash, you’re giving me $9 off?? “Well no, it’s really supposed to be $214 but … blah blah blah. Go fuck yourself. In no way, do I want to do this, but I have 45 minutes until I need to be at the theater. I don’t have time to fuck around. Fuck me.

Obviously, I do it. Somehow, Maggie goes across the street to take money out from her own bank account. Which I still don’t understand why she did that. I was just such a mess that I couldn’t fathom doing it that I think she was just like, OK, this needs to happen. Which is really nice. So now I owe Maggie and I promise her I’ll bring it tomorrow.

So basically, my brunch shift tomorrow morning will hopefully pay for this. I’ve been so stressed out with money that I seriously want to punch myself in the face. This did not need to happen. This is one of those dumb things that I do that I feel like people expect me to do and I just feel like a total idiot.

I finally get into my car and put on my jacket. Maggie is surely trying to make me feel better. “I like your jacket.” I should sell it. We drive to the theater. She knocks on my window and I open the passenger side door. “I like your bag.” I should sell it.

Now we have our play. I am so not in the mood to be around people. Welp, get over it. The show must go on.

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