October 27, 2014
You know what sucks? Being rejected. Especially when you don’t see it coming. It’s seriously the worst thing to be so vulnerable, which is hard enough as it is, and to then be rejected after putting yourself out there? It’s like someone punching you in the throat (not that I’ve ever been punched in the throat).
Here was the worst moment. I don’t even remember what he said, but I just looked at him and realized, wow, I like him way more than he likes me. That was the moment I wanted to crawl into a corner and hide. Or at least go back in time and take back things I said or made him be more clear with me about what he wanted.
It was miscommunication on both sides, but I’m the one who looks and feels like a total asshole in the end. I think I was trying too hard to not be too vulnerable and say what I really wanted, which was to date him. Jesus, I can’t even say it now. I wanted to start seeing him and only him. So fine, yes, exclusive, I guess. But I couldn’t say that. And it’s definitely because he wasn’t giving me anything to work with, so I was putting my guard up (in hindsight, should have been enough to make me realize). But I did tell him I wanted to go on dates with him. I know I said that.
On his end, I really think he was trying to be so careful about everything he said, like he didn’t want me to get upset or he didn’t want to hurt my feelings or something. Which really annoyed me. Like, don’t dance around what you want. Don’t tell me that I’m not ready because I was in a relationship for eight years. Don’t put your shit onto me because you can’t say how you really feel. Don’t act like you’re doing me a favor. Just say it. I don’t want to date you. Period. Done. Don’t be such a coward. Then I wouldn’t be standing here feeling like I just had the wind knocked out of me (because that’s also how it feels).
Do you think I would have wanted to kiss you last night if I thought it was over? No. But he’s just got to be so cool. And share a fucking slice of pie with me. And says how great it is that we can be so honest with each other. Bullshit. If you were honest with me, I would not be standing here. I’m not actually mad at him. I mean, I am, but it’s easier to be angry than to be sad, because that feels pathetic. I’m more mad at myself than anything. And I feel dumb and I just feel bad about myself, and then I feel bad for letting a guy make me feel bad about myself, and it’s a cycle of way too many stupid emotions and I wish it would just stop.
And then you want to hug me. Why? Sympathy? You feel bad for me? So we hug. And he always hugs me for way too fucking long. Long enough to make me feel things. Like, would someone please throw a flag on this play? Unnecessary hug time. Just too long.
There was another moment, in the car, as I was driving away. A realization that I knew I would look back on this as a learning experience, and that it’s good I had this thing happen. But right now, I just feel like shit. And I don’t give a fuck if this makes me a stronger person or whatever. Ugh, I’m so…. everything right now. Way too many fucking feelings and I hate it. I just want to be able to breathe normally and not feel like a crazy person.
Yes, I’m glad I was able to meet a guy I actually like. Yes, I’m glad I was able to experience those excited girly giddy feelings (that are dumb). Yes, I’m glad that…well, you know.
But right now, I don’t fucking care about life lessons or how lucky I am or any of that crap. I just want to hate everything.
If it’s not clear, I’m writing this the same night it happened. So I’m sure by the time I actually post this, I’ll be totally fine.