Arachnophobia

July 10, 2014

I drive down the PCH late night to Rich and Tara’s house, my temporary home (this is post-break-up/pre-finding a place of my own). It’s completely dark in the house when I walk in. I quietly head to my room where I prop myself up in bed to write on my laptop and sip on a glass of wine.

I have my glasses on. My vision is really bad, so it’s pretty blurry out of my peripheral vision. I think I see something to my right, but it’s probably just a shadow. I tear my eyes away from the screen and look.

I freeze and feel my whole body get hot as the biggest spider I’ve ever seen in my entire life sits on the floor between by bed and the door. I am completely terrified. Instinctively I jump up onto my feet into a squat position, at the ready. Thankfully, I don’t scream. I share a wall with the baby, so I don’t want to wake him up.

I text Rich, praying to God that he’s awake (he stays up late sometimes for work). Please tell me you’re awake. “Yea what’s up.” The biggest spider I’ve ever seen in my life. “Lol. I’ll be right there.”

Can you believe he wrote “Lol”? Like this was funny??! Well, it might have to do with the fact that not too long before this, I was in a similar situation with Rich. But on that occasion, I did scream, because there was a spider right by my head. Rich ran in and when he saw the size of the small spider, he couldn’t help but laugh. Whatever. It caught me by surprise. And anyway, I hate spiders.

So I’m sure he’s expecting more of the same this time around. He quietly knocks on my door. Don’t open it all the way! He’s right inside the door! (I whisper-yell this to him.) He slowly cracks open the door, grinning.

Then he looks down. When I see the smile disappear from Rich’s face and him go into serious mode, I’m panicking. He knows this, and quickly regains his calm facade and talks to me like he’s talking to a kid who’s gotten to the end of the high dive and is too scared to jump. “OK I have good news and bad news.” I just stare at him, getting hotter and hotter. “It is a tarantula… but he’s harmless.” What about Arachnophobia?? “That was a movie. And it ended with a fight scene between Jeff Daniels and a spider.” Fair enough. “I’m going to get something to catch him. I’ll be right back.” He leaves the door slightly ajar as he walks away. “I’m right here.” Now he’s talking to me like a kid who is scared of monsters in the closet.

He returns with a Nutri-bullet type container. And very slowly, closes in around the tarantula. Mind you, this mother fucker hasn’t moved an inch since he crawled under the door. He’s just sitting there. Waiting. As soon as Rich is close enough, the tarantula bolts back under the door into the hallway. So fucking fast! This time I do scream a little. Because it’s completely dark out there and now he’s on the loose! I hear the plastic hit the tiled floor. “I got him.” Holy shit. Thank God.

Rich slides something flat underneath the container and takes it somewhere. I don’t care where, as long as it’s away from me.

Right, and now I’m supposed to sleep. Awesome. I leave the lights on for a really long time and finally allow myself to drift.

The next morning, I find out that Rich left the spider outside all night. So it’s just sitting there, alive, in the Nutri-bullet. Ew. I’m not sure if it’s his idea or Tara’s, but someone decides to feed him to the chickens.

Because Rich and Tara have chickens now (naturally… only in Topanga). We walk down to the chicken coop and Rich gets inside the cage and lets the spider loose. Ew!!!

We watch as nature happens before our eyes. The chickens freak out, trying to get the spider. One lucky chicken grabs him in his beak, away from the others, and eats him in one bite. It’s fucking crazy.

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