If I didn’t have to wake up for Schultz and Ben’s visit I’d sleep until 1pm. But I do. Man, I am not OK. So much white sangria yesterday. And then so much red wine at night. Kelly knows what I’m talking about. “That sangria. I had one cup of it and was just like, sit here and act normal. This feeling will pass, your fine.”
When we found out Schultz was only about an hour away in Virginia Beach, we immediately made plans to meet up. I’m so glad we did. Obviously, I don’t get to see Schultz often, but neither do the girls so this is nice for Kelly and my family, too. Ben recently turned one. He’s the oldest of the “girls’ kids.” I like him the best because he’s the most like a real person. Just kidding, but I do love how animated he is. Walking all over the place, speaking non-words, smiling and laughing.
We take a walk on the beach. It’s pretty crappy out right now. Dark, chilly, no one on the beach. Sea foam is everywhere and it’s gross. Sticking to our feet, like, not in a normal way. And Kelly almost dies. We’re walking when all of a sudden Kelly’s right leg sinks completely into the sand, all the way up to her thigh. It’s like quick sand. She screams. I scream and run away. I mean, if she’s going down I don’t want to follow her. She finally finds her footing and gets out of it. That was a close one. Thank God I was here to help.
I finally drink an Allagash White around 1. That sounds early, but not on vacation. Everyone else is already a few ahead of me (except for Schultz. And Ben). We sit out back by the pool and have a long discussion about our ancestry. Conclusion: my family is Asian and Muffy is white. Seriously.
Ben eats some yogurt and I’m cracking up watching him scarf this stuff down. He’s opening his mouth for more before he even finishes the bite he’s working on.
Later, the guys get home from their day of golf. When they were here earlier, Ben couldn’t take his eyes off Herron. And now, Herron sits at the kitchen table with his back to him. Ben walks up behind him, puts his hand on the chair, and stares up at Herron. We all tell him that once again, Ben is staring at you. He must like you. So, Herron says hello, reaches down, and picks him up. Ben’s face turns a different color and he’s making that terrible face right before a piercing scream comes out. And it does. He hasn’t cried at all today and now it’s like he’s dying a terrible death. Schultz is over by the couch and I was following him so I grab him out of Herron’s willing arms and carry this poor little baby back to his mama. We’re all hysterically laughing that Herron made him cry like that. He quickly calms down in Schultz’s arms as she feeds him a bottle. “It’s probably because he wasn’t here all day with everyone.” Yea, seriously. Stranger danger. I’d be scared of Herron, too.
After a taco dinner with all the fixings, a few of us start to clean up things while everyone else sits at the kitchen table drinking and being weird. There’s a lot of giggling for the rest of the night. Kelly joins me while I try to figure out what to drink. She notices the oven. “Is the oven on? Everyone keeps the oven on in this family! This is the second day in a row I’ve had to turn off the oven.” Well thank God Kelly’s here.
I try to shovel lettuce into a big zip lock bag with no luck. Oh, goodness gracious, look at me trying to scoop lettuce. This is just – Kel, I need your help. Can you hold this? “The dream team over here.” Why are you holding that side of the bag? “Whaddya you mean?” Hold the sides I closed. Like that. Yea, like that. “You’re so…. competitive.”
Over at the kitchen table is a discussion about what game we’re going to play. Meg is adamant. “I don’t want to play beer pong.” Let’s play Buzz Word. Christine doesn’t want to play Buzz Word, so Kelly suggests Bezzer Wizzer. I love! Yes! But Christine, who has to say no to everything, doesn’t want to play that either. “I want to play a drinking game.” They’re all drinking games. “That’s not a drinking game. I mean like an actual drinking game.” You know what, I don’t need a drinking game to drink. I will drink. Now Meg chimes in. “Yea, just keep drinking.” I hold up my drink. Look how far I’ve gotten so far? (Not far.) Chris calls me out on it. “You’ve had that drink for two hours.” (Again, everyone is giggling.)
I finally decide on a tequila drink. Make one for me and Kelly. Hand it to her. “Oh, this is strong. I just got like, intoxicated by smelling it.” Sit down at the table and casually lick my drink. I know, that’s weird, but it’s too much to actually drink and it’s filled up high and I’m lazy, so I kind of just lick it. Besides, somehow we’ve decided on Ride the Bus. There’s no way I can chug this drink. Muffy loses. She’s never played before and has no idea what’s going on. Christine is the dealer.
Chris: Everyone but Muffy give me your cards.
Muffy: Why? Why?! Why?!!
Chris: Everybody – except Muffy –
Chris: Muffy needs the six cards that she has because Muffy’s about to ride the bus. (Kelly is hysterically laughing now.)
Muffy: Why am I riding the bus?
Me: (unphased by Muffy) Can we play a new game when this is over?
Chris: After Muffy rides the bus.
Muffy: Why am I riding the bus?!!
Me: (finally catching on) Have you never done this?
Me: That’s why she’s so fucked. She has no idea what’s about to happen. (Her cup is nearly empty.) You don’t have enough liquid in here for this game.
Me: Because you’re about to get fucked.
Me: Because you’re riding the bus.
Chris: (has laid out the cards) You have to get through the whole line of cards doing higher or lower.
Meg: She has great cards.
Kel: Yea, you do.
Muffy plays. First card she guesses right. Second card, wrong. Drink!
Muffy: How much do I have to drink?
Chris: Just take a sip. We’re not trying to actually kill you.
Muffy goes back to the beginning. First card is a 4. She guesses higher. It’s a 3!
Me: Oh my God!
Kel: Oh my God!
Back to beginning. Chris asks higher or lower. Muffy is indignant now as she yells, “Higher!” She finally makes it all the way to the last card. It’s a 5. She guesses higher. It’s not.
Me: Ohhhh, that never happens!
Muffy screams the loudest, shrillest scream I think I’ve ever heard. We all just stare at her. Then laugh.
Kelly: Ohh God.
Chris: That’s terrible!
Herron: That was a pterodactyl! What was that? Holy shit.
Mom and Steve and Jeff join in on the fun later for Bezzer Wizzer. Pick teams. Christine asks me – “Lindsay, which team would you like to be on – Kelly’s or mine?” Silence as Kelly and I look at each other. We’ve somehow been on the same team for every game we’ve played so far. Kelly answers for me. “I mean, basically it’s like cutting a baby in half. Wait, no, that’s not the right thing.”
Later, Christine says something to Meg about the game. I look at Meg. Um, Megan has been mute for a while now. Megan, I forgot that you were still at the table. “I’m hammered. I’m trying to pretend.” She eventually quietly sneaks away to her room like a ninja while the game is still going on. I’m still licking my drink so I’m fine. Christine notices. “Stop licking your fucking drink, you weirdo.” Now Stephen is aware. “What are you, a fucking deer?”
So. We curse a lot.
After the game, we stay up for a while, talking. Kelly prank calls Mike and Troy because it’s 1am on a Monday for anyone on the east coast. Steve prank calls his friend Ryan but accidentally calls Ryan’s mom instead. Hilarious. Mom even stays up for all this. Tells us a story about when we were all little and she was watching this other kid at our house. “What was my story? Oh, and I said, what do you want to eat, and Jimmy said steak. And I said you’re getting chicken nuggets.”
Kelly and I finally go to our room and it’s total sleepy hahas between the two of us. I walk in and she’s already laying down in bed, propped up on one elbow, eating a Larabar. I don’t know why, but it’s so funny that she is laying in bed and eating at the same time. I take out my contacts and put on my glasses. Now she’s all the way down on her side – I guess she got tired holding herself up – still chewing and breathing heavily. It’s hysterical. “I didn’t eat much today.” Yea I know. Did you eat the tacos? “Just the beef.” Just the meat? “Yea.” Why didn’t you try the fish? “I don’t know.” It was good… You don’t like fish? “You look like Harry Potter.” I lose it again. I wish I recorded this conversation. There’s a small brown blanket on the bed. I pull it onto myself and then ask Kelly if she wants some of it. “Where do you think this blanket came from?” Oh, (giggling) it’s yours? “Yes. I loved how last night, you had most of it on you and were like, do you want some?” (Really giggling now.) What did you say? “Nah, I’m OK.”