Here’s to Never Growing Up

Brick+Mortar girls night!
Brick+Mortar girls night!

Roxy has the idea for a girls night. It’s basically just the Brick+Mortar girls. I’m super excited because one, I never go out, and two, I’ve never actually gone out with any of the girls from work. I don’t have work today, so I go to the beach for an hour, then do an intense yoga class at 4:30pm. I somehow don’t drink a lot of water. (I’m just prefacing how awful this is going to get.)

It’s Tuesday, which means Taco Tuesday, so the plan is to start at Nina’s for margaritas, then head down the street to Cabo Cantina for more margaritas, and of course, tacos. I’m the first to arrive at Nina’s. Mike drops me off. “How are you getting home?” I have no idea. But I think Mike has an idea of how this night is going to go. Oh, I’m also starving right now. So, let’s note that.

I was in charge of limes and triple sec. I also bring a small bottle of OJ to top off the margaritas. Nina has mix for margaritas, but I insist on making our own, so I get to work juicing the limes. Nina only has wine, so I decide to not drink it because I don’t want to mix wine and margaritas in one night (how responsible of me). “Man, I wish we could at least do a shot while we’re waiting for everyone.” Yea, seriously. Bennette is in charge of bringing the tequila. How did we put the one person who isn’t 21 yet in charge of the alcohol? I text her, asking where the hell she is.

In the meantime, I mix the lime juice and triple sec, so that when the tequila arrives, we can make a big pitcher of deliciousness immediately. Nina sets out veggies and dip, fruit, and cheese and crackers. It’s a nice little spread. I snack a little while we wait. Soon, the tequila arrives – I mean, Bennette arrives. With Roxy. Anna Rose and Elisa follow shortly after. I make a big pitcher and have Bennette taste it. It’s a little strong. And by a little I mean a lot, so I add a little more OJ and triple sec. That’ll do. Margaritas all around!

Anna Rose, Natalie, Nina
Anna Rose, Natalie, Nina

Natalie is the last to arrive. She was in charge of “fancy cheese.” Boy does she deliver. I wish I could remember but I’m pretty sure one was some type of gouda and the other some type of goat. Which are my favorites. I obviously eat some, but I think in the back of mind I’m saving up for tacos later.

We talk a lot about work, naturally. Leo is the topic of conversation. I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned him yet, but Leo is my boss, basically. I can’t even quickly explain him because he’s just too much. I could write an entire blog on Leo. Natalie points out how much we’re talking about him. “Leo’s getting a lot of air time tonight.” I don’t know why, but I think this is hilarious. Air time. She also says “noon thirty,” which equally makes me chuckle.

I talk with Natalie and Anna Rose for a little about acting, since they’re both actors. Natalie is always cast as the rape victim. “I’m really good at crying.” How do you cry? I think she says she tries to put herself in the shoes of the character. Anna Rose and I would rather think of something that makes us cry. If I say Mom, I’ll start crying. They agree. “Oh my God, definitely.”

Roxy asks if I want to do a shot. No, no no. I’m good with the margaritas. I don’t need to start doing shots. We then totally have a photo session, which is especially hilarious when we use the timer on my camera and Natalie cracks us all up with her photography skills. Before long we’re on our way. At this point, I’ve had about three margaritas. I’m drunk. I’m in the car with Nina and her roommate. I remember we have a Twilight conversation. No idea what I said, though.

Bennette and Roxy
Bennette and Roxy

Let’s see, at the bar I know we sit at a big table with all of us. Lindsay is here now. I have some recollection of yelling across the table at her, but that may have just been because it was really loud. I go to the bathroom with a couple of the girls… and then I wake up.

That’s pretty much the extent of what I remember.

So here’s what happened…based on a collection of what people told me the next day. At the bar, I don’t drink anything. Nothing. I get in a screaming match with Lindsay. She is such a bitch. I mean, literally, that’s what I told her, apparently. She was yelling at me. “Stets what are you wearing?? Take that vest off and show your boobs!” Um it’s not a vest! And you’re a bitch. I don’t know what else Lindsay said, but she can be very funny. Like one time when she was talking about butt chugging. Which is apparently something kids are doing these days to get drunk faster? Fucking gross. So she’s telling us about this and saying how kids have died from it. She just shakes her head. “It’s called survival of the fittest. I mean, they should die.” Then she went to Disneyland and came back with an announcement. “Strollers make kids obese.” Like she’s just done a study on it. She also thinks you should be able to drink at the park. “Yea, you should definitely be able to drink at Disneyland. I was going to murder some kids.”

So then, I knew I was drunk and was worried it was obvious. So I’m whispering to Elisa next to me, if everyone knows that I’m drunk. Elisa tells me no, but she can definitely tell because she’s sitting next to me and I’m sort of swaying. She and maybe Anna Rose try to feed me some crackers or something that are on the table but I won’t eat anything. No one ordered food. So much for Taco Tuesday.

Gotta love timed photos
Gotta love timed photos

I text Mike at some point, telling him I’m drunk and asking him to pick me up. When I text gibberish, Elisa takes over, pretending to be me and texting Mike that I have a ride home and that “I’m safe.” Like I would ever say that. But he doesn’t think anything of it. Probably because I’m hammered. So Anna Rose and Elisa take me home. First, when we get outside, I refuse to cross the street. I don’t want to get in trouble for jay walking. Then I suggest, hey, why don’t we go down this alleyway?! Elisa doesn’t know what to do with me. “Stets, why would we go down an alleyway??” We finally make it to the car. Anna Rose’s car. And I disgustedly say, this is your car?

Once to my apartment, Anna Rose walks me to the door, dragging me along. Mike answers the door, and I guess I wish I had told Anna Rose before she saw him so I just say, very drunkenly: he has a mustache. “I can see that.” I pretty much go to bed immediately with a trash can next to my bedside because I think I’m going to throw up. By the way, it’s 11:30.

The next day, I’m hurting. My body hates me so much. There is no way I’m working at 4. I text Katie, she says sure, she can work for me. Amazing. But two hours later she tells me she can’t and I want to die. Lindsay texts me at 12:30. “OMG! I can’t believe we have to go to work! I’m so hungover.” I’ve been asking everyone to work for me, I feel like death. I remember talking to you but I have no idea what I said. “Hahaha I have no idea! I just remember being obsessed with making you take your vest off.” Natalie texts me at 3:30. “Was hurting so bad today. Was thinking of getting my shift covered.” Dude I asked everyone. “Ha! OK, nevermind then. We can do it. Ugh!” OK, if they can do it, I can do it. I feel so much better knowing that we’re all in this together.

Lindsay telling a story.
Lindsay telling a story.

I walk into work at 4. Mazza asks me how I am, like people always do but then just expect you to say fine. I tell her not good. Frankie – my manager – is next to her. “Stets! You were the underdog!” Huh? What do you mean? “Roxy, Kramer (that’s Lindsay), Nina….they were at the top of the list. You were at the bottom.” What are you talking about? “We had a bet. Who would blackout. I lost money on this.” You guys did not bet money on who would black out last night. “We sure did.” Who did you lose to? “Rocco.” Of course. Rocco thinks I’m wasted at all times. It’s kind of hilarious.

Elisa strolls in after me. She’s hosting tonight and seems much better than me right now. Her eyes go big and she just shakes her head. “Stets, you were so funny last night.” Oh God. I don’t even want to know. But tell me. She does. Then Lindsay comes in at 6, and Elisa fills her in on our screaming match. Lindsay just laughs and shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t remember.” Natalie is next at 7. “I want to die.” We are all struggling. We have a huge party on one side of the restaurant and Elisa lets me know that I won’t be taking it. Thank God. We get really busy for a Wednesday night and I make bank. So happy I worked tonight, even though I can’t wait to go home and sleep.

So there it is. My first blackout while living in California. What a great night.

*Avril Lavigne

2 thoughts on “Here’s to Never Growing Up

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